-So i've read many Destiel and Cockles fics on here, and I decided to try my own. I am not a writer, so please bear with me, and any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, I hope you enjoy.
-The title is taken from the song, You Found Me by The Fray, i'm useless at putting a title to things so I usually just take song names that seem to fit.
-Please bear with me for posting each part, I am writing this as I go, and at this moment in time, I think I only have enough for one, maybe two parts to the story.
When he thought back on it, Jensen always knew there was something different about Misha, the way he felt in his presence, even since the very first day they met, that washing machine in the stomach feeling, when he even so much as thought about him for a split second. But not once did it ever occur to him, that it would end up being this, that their close friendship and flirty ways would lead to what happened in the next few months…
It all started to become clear after about a year into their friendship, during the filming of season 4, Jensen and Jared became really close with Misha, and they all decided to get a place together in Vancouver, but when Jared moved out to be with Genevieve, that’s when it all started to change for Jensen.
It began with a friendly pat on the arm here, a friendly shove there, but then it started to escalate, with Misha putting his arm around Jensen’s waist when he wanted to whisper in his ear, Jensen stealing longer gazes across the room, and fixing Misha’s tie when he was doing interviews. Jensen began to realise what was happening, when Misha kissed Jensen on the back of the neck while he was being interviewed by a reporter, and Jensen’s heart just about pounded out of his chest with excitement.
Although he didn’t exactly realise that it was what it was at that moment in time, the feelings in his gut became stronger, that magnetic pull that he always felt became nearly impossible to resist, the more time they spent together the more Jensen became physically aware where Misha was when they were in the same room, he began to feel uncomfortable and edgy around Misha because of all these unrecognisable feelings that he couldn’t explain or understand.
It was about a month later, when Jared and Misha sat down together and discussed Jensen’s unusual behaviour, both of them had tried talking to him and got no where closer to finding out what stick was so far up his arse he was avoiding his best friends. So Jared, being the hard-ass take no shit from Jensen guy that he was, confronted Jensen and wouldn’t let him leave until he explained himself.
“I just don’t know what’s going on with me lately,” he finally confided in his best friend, though when he started he had no intention of divulging his true feelings for Misha. “I just feel like I can’t be myself right now, I have all these emotions swirling around in my head that I can’t make sense of, and some questionable feelings for someone close to me.”
“So all this avoiding Misha and I shit that’s been going on lately is because you didn’t want us to realise you have the hots for some chick?”
“I guess yeah.”
“So, get it off your chest man, it’s what I’m here for isn’t it? What’s so screwed up about it?”
“Okay, okay, so there’s this… person in my life, that lately I have been realising I may see as more than a friend and it’s totally screwed up, I can’t have these feelings, I just can’t, I can’t deal with this Jay, I feel like it’s completely changing who I am.”
“So just tell her how you feel, if she really is one of your closest friends, and she doesn’t feel the same way, she won’t hold it against you, or let it change your friendship, and if she does then she wasn’t worth it to begin with.”
“I wish I could Jay, I wish I could just spill my heart out, but I can’t, you don’t get it, there’s no way this person could ever possibly feel the same way about me, and there’s no way they would stick around if I told them how I feel, this is just an impossible situation that I can’t see anyway out of.”
“Dude, seriously man up and just tell her, stop being such a pussy, grow some balls and spill it. I don’t really see the problem here, why can’t you just tell her?”
“BECAUSE IT’S NOT A HER OKAY!!! IT’S A DUDE! IT’S A FUCKING DUDE OKAY!?!? NOW DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M DEALING WITH!?”
“Woahh man, so you’re… I mean I never knew that you….”
“Dude I’m not gay! I’m not even into guys, I never have been and I never thought this would happen, it’s not guys, it’s just A guy… THE guy I guess…”
“You’re in love with a guy!?!”
“What!? No! I never said I was in love.” But was he? When Jay said the L word, something inside him changed, like that’s what his heart had been trying to tell him all along, he just didn’t realise it, in love with Misha, well that was a new one, who would have ever guessed that that blue eyed heartthrob could cause so much trouble.
“I just need to go home to Texas for a little bit and get my head on straight.”
“Who’s the guy that you need to go so far away to sort your head out? You know whoever it is it can’t be that bad?”
Jensen just figured, he’s been this honest so far, and openly admitted to his best friend that he’s in love with a guy, he may as well spill it all.
“M…M…Misha? As in… MISHA Misha? Woah dude, you’re totally screwed.”
“Yeah you don’t need to tell me twice.”
After his heart to heart with Jared, Jensen told the guys on the show that he needed some personal time off, and went home to his Mama in Texas, hoping that some distance would shed some light on the situation. Honestly he was just hoping the feelings would disappear and he’d be able to go back to his normal life, and normal ways, be normal with his best friends, and not freak out when he was simply in the same room as Misha.
His Mama could tell something was up, and this time without going into the details of who it was, because honestly he wasn’t sure his family would deal with that as well as Jared had, he confided in his Mom. She only repeated what Jay had told him to do, to tell the person how he felt, and when he thought about it, really REALLY thought about it, the things his Mama, and Jay had both said made sense. If Misha really were his best friend like he thought he was, they would figure this out together. Sure, he knew that there wasn’t a chance in Hell that Misha would ever reciprocate, but at least they could find a way to save their friendship. Because at this point, Jensen really didn’t know if there would be much of a friendship left after the way he’d been acting around Misha.
He got back from Texas a week later, with the intention of going straight home to find Misha and just lay it all out there, but when his plane landed in Vancouver, Misha was there, waiting for him, with that look on his face that just said “You are in deep, deep shit for leaving me without so much as a goodbye.” Jensen approached Misha as slowly as he could without appearing that he was delaying his best friend shouting at him as much as possible. When he finally got to where Misha was standing, his heart beat became erratic and his stomach was churning knots within knots, how could he have possibly forgot that just being in this proximity with Misha made him feel like this? He tried to push the overwhelming feeling he had to just grab Misha and kiss him right there and then, to the back of his mind. After all, he could tell that this was going to be a serious conversation even without the added pressure of trying to express his feelings about his best friend to that very person.
They walked together in silence to the baggage claim, and then again to Misha’s badass truck, and continued to stay silent the entire journey home. As soon as they walked through the door to their house and it was closed behind them however, Misha let him have it.
“WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE!? I MEAN I KNOW YOU’RE INTO THE WHOLE ‘BEING A DICK’ THING LATELY BUT DO YOU REALLY VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP THAT LITTLE THAT YOU WOULD JUST UP AND LEAVE THE ENTIRE COUNTRY WITHOUT TELLING ME!?”
“Don’t ‘Mish’ me, I’m fucking mad at you okay, you can’t just say ‘Mish’ and expect me to be okay.”
“Mish, please, just listen to me…”
“You better have a fucking good reason, Jensen.”
“I’m so sorry Mish, I really am, I just… I just needed to get out of my own head for a while, I know I’ve been a complete dick lately, and there’s no excuse good enough for it, I know that, all I can do is tell you I’m sorry, and I’m trying, I really am trying. I’m going through some sort of personal identity crisis or some shit right now, and I have no idea how to handle it. You and Jay are my best friends and sometimes you guys, you especially, know me better than I know myself, and you see right through me. I knew I couldn’t hide the fact I was going through stuff from you guys, so I just avoided you. I know now that that was the wrong thing to do, but I just couldn’t deal with it at the time. I’m sorry Mish, I really am, I’m trying to make things right here if you’ll give me the chance.”
“So, make it better. Tell me what’s going on, I know you told Jay, so why can’t you just tell me?”
“Because it’s harder to tell you, I can tell you, I just…. I’m just finding it difficult to put it into the right words so you don’t run a mile…”
“Jen, what could you possibly say to me that would make me walk out that door? You’re my best friend, I’ll be here for anything you know that right?”
“I do know that, I just think that this is completely different and for once, I have no idea how you’ll react.” At this point Misha was getting unbelievably irritated with Jensen, why wouldn’t he just tell him? What could be so bad that he couldn’t just spit it out like he used to.
“Just tell me Jensen, please, with all this build up I’m bound to think it’s worse than it actually is anyway, I’m not going anywhere, and you know I’ll just bug the shit out of you until you tell me anyway.”
“Okay, okay… Just… Try not to freak out okay, I know that that is probably an unreasonable request but just try, because as hard as this will be for you to hear, it’s a million times harder for me to tell you…I…I don’t really know where to start… I guess it was when we first met really, there was, there is, something about you Mish, something that I can’t explain, I just… feel… different when I’m around you, you’re my best friend, but not like Jared, it’s different, I feel, what I can only describe as a… a magnetic pull towards you. I know it’s insane, trust me when I say I have NEVER been into guys before, and it’s not something that even entered my thought pattern ever, but when I met you, everything just changed. I didn’t realise what was happening until Jay moved out, and we became closer. The feelings that were so jumbled and unexplainable suddenly became so much clearer, but it’s not something that I have ever felt before not even for a girl. I don’t really know what else to say besides that, I could stand here and go on for hours about everything that you make me feel, but I don’t want to make this more awkward than it already is. I just felt like, we’ve always been 100% honest with each other, and I can’t stand lying to you, or hiding things from you, and I owe you the truth, especially after I’ve been such a dick to you. I’m sorry Mish, I really am so incredibly sorry, I never meant for this to happen, and I completely understand if you don’t want me around anymore. I can pack a bag and be gone in 10 minutes…”
“Don’t you dare walk out on me again, not now Jen, not after this, you can’t just basically tell me you’re in love with me and then leave? Do you even realise how incredibly unfair you are being right now. Don’t you care what I want Jen? What if I want you here, because I do, I couldn’t face it if you left, Jen, I care about you so much, I never told you because I didn’t know how you’d take it, after all you are supposed to be straight…”
“Well so are you…”
“I guess neither of us have been completely honest with each other, but it’s about time we are, Jen, I feel the same way about you, you have no idea how hard it’s been to keep this inside, to act normal around you, to try not to kiss you every time I look into those gorgeous green eyes of yours, Jen, I…. I love you, I have for a long time now…”
“I love you too, Mish…”
“Jen… Just fucking kiss me already?”
PART TWO: http://loclaire.livejournal.com/144