The Ramblings of Me

scribbles of a crazy person


Halloween's Eve
Misha Collins, Solomon, me, Mark Sheppard
loclaire

I thought, since it's Halloween and all I'd write a Halloween poem
Even though I celebrate SamHain, so it's Halloween all week for me but hey!

Devilish dreams devour my heart
ripping, and tearing my feelings apart
wicked winds slip in and wipe out our path
leaving the world, to bask in deaths wrath.


Demonic passages wither yet grow
raging, and turning and swirling the flow
drowning in water that churns like cyclones
the people are crying, dying with moans.


A whimsical fall with a back draft of the dead
the trees full of leaves of orange and red
crisp wild winds blow to ravage the trees
autumns daemons arise to steal the breeze.


With reckless abandon leaves swirl into a pile
taking with it clean air, and killing kids smiles
the carnage that begins when where’s take shape
change with the moon as vampires wake.


Creatures come alive in the crisp evening air
moaning and groaning without even a care
teasing and torturing the children at play
the witches and warlocks are here to stay.


What once was a night for trick and treating
is now a course run for zombies feeding
the dead are alive, are they chasing you?
Is this a dream or is this all true?


The walls of your house are dripping with blood
down to the carpets now oozing a flood
your parents are scared and locked in their rooms
your pets are screaming in fright from doom.


And YES the children, will soon be gone
as the evil daemons retrieve them before dawn
turn on your alarms and lock all the doors
close all the windows, you’ll still hear the roar.


They’re coming to get you, there’s no way out
don’t bother running, don’t even give a shout
they’ll destroy your life, smashing your face
there’s no denying, they’ll have the run of the place.


Those few that live, will have stories to tell
of daemons and darkness, and evil and hell
those others who die, will have tombstones to be read
their epitaphs will depict the lives that they once led.


Blah
loclaire

So this will probably be boring and I'm sorry about that. I just need somewhere to write stuff that people I know in the real world won't see so they don't hound with me questions.
So I went to the doctors today to ask about seeing a therapist because I've been trying to deal with everything on my own my entire life and it's finally gotten too much to deal with. But me being me I thought nah I'm probably just over reacting. I won't need help. But even the doctor said yeah you have anxiety and depression, and we'll set you up with a councillor and they'll probably put you on tablets right away.
How cheery is that right!?! My own family can't even tell there's anything wrong. They just think I'm a horrible person who gets moody for no reason!
And a doctor who has never met me before, knows nothing about me, can tell that I need help!
That makes me feel better. Not.
But at least I'm going to get help now. I just hope the pills don't turn me into a zombie or something.
It's like. Great. This is who I am now. That's what I'm gonna be known for. The girl who's depressed and had anxiety that one who sees a shrink.
When people ask why is she like that why is she quiet and not talking or whatever, people will say oh she has mental health problems.
Which yeah I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed about because you can't help it. And so many people go on every day ignoring their problems that could be getting help. So it's good that I reached out.
It's just everyone else. All the judgemental fuckers that will treat me differently and tip toe around me. Like my own fucking family. My mom got pissed off because I might get moody with the tablets I might be on. Might. Might might might!
Like seriously. You have a daughter with issues and you get pissed off about it. And you wonder why I never open up to you. Like getting annoyed at me is gonna really help my progress. Seriously. Good job mom!
I just wish my dad was here :( I know. I mean I KNOW everything would be so much better if he was still alive.

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Grandad
loclaire

So, I lost my grandad last March (2012) and I really miss him a lot, he was the closest thing to a dad I had, as my dad passed away when i was 2.
Though I never saw him as much as I would like because he lived 5 hours away from me, he was always in my thoughts and in my heart, as he is as much now as he ever was.
Even though we all knew he didn't have much time left, it was still a complete shock and the most heartbreaking time in my life. I think about him every day, and just writing this I have tears in my eyes, but I wrote him a little poem/note last year and I thought about time to put it down somewhere it won't get lost...

I hope that wherever you are, it feels like one long amazing holiday
I hope you are laughing and smiling and all the pain has gone away
I hope you've been reunited with all the ones we've lost along the way
I miss you every single day
There's a hole in my heart where you live, one day we can reunite and fill the void
I may seem happy today, but the smile is only to keep the pain away
I try to smile for you every day Grandad, but it's hard, I think you took part of it away
I love you, always

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Asylum 10 supernatural convention
loclaire

So here goes... I apologise if I miss anything out it was a hectic week!
So I went with my best friend Solomon. We had to leave my house at 5am on Thursday 16th May to get a coach from Plymouth at 6.45am to Birmingham... We got to Birmingham and didn't know where the hell we were going so we ended up paying £25 for a taxi to our hotel... Then we had no idea how to get to the Hilton so we were stressing out so bad...

Read more...Collapse )

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A10 post to come
loclaire

Just a quick update... I will be posting very soon (in the next couple of days) about my AMAZING weekend at Asylum 10, the 'tv show not to be named for legal purposes in relation to A10' that just happens to involve characters by the names of the winchesters and castiel... I am still recovering from 15 hours of sleep in 5 days... So keep your eyes peeled..
xxx

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AMAZING DAY
loclaire
So to start with
I'm going to the Asylum 10 Supernatural convention in Birmingham in May
Amazing I know :p
Today... it was announced that Jared Padalecki is going!
so there is still hope that Jensen Ackles will go...
so, so far I will be meeting...
Misha Collins = Castiel
Mark A. Sheppard = Crowley
Rick Worthy = The Alpha Vamp
Emily Perkins = Becky
Richard Speight Jr = The Trickster/Loki/Gabriel
Ty Olsson = Benny/Eli
Julian Richings = Death
Kim Rhodes = Sheriff Jody Mills
Osric Chau = Kevin
DJ Qualls = Garth (you've been Garthed!)
Jared Padalecki = Sam Winchester

IM SO EXCITED!

Also today, my best friend, who is more so my best friend right now did a pledge for LostAlone, my favourite band ever, to do a home gig IN MY HOUSE!

Epic Fails
loclaire

So I've pretty much not written any more to my spn fic... I think I've had so many other different ideas for a cockles fic that I can't concentrate on the one that's unfinished... Not that I've wrote those either... I've been really busy lately because my nana broke her arm so I'm basically her live in carer. I am determined to put pen to paper again very soon though... So watch this space...

In other news I thought I'd just update this whenever I feel like it other than just using it for fanfic...

If you know me you know how much I am in love with a band called LostAlone... If you haven't heard of them I recommend you give them a listen... They're kind of rock so if you're not into that then maybe give it a miss... I first discovered them in Feb 2012 when I went to see a band called InMe at the White Rabbit in Plymouth... From that moment on I was hooked... They have literally changed my life... With most bands I can relate to maybe one or two of their lyrics but with LostAlone I relate to all of them. They make me feel like part of something and they make me feel less alone. Ironic because if their name I know.
I saw them again in May 2012 at the Thekla in Bristol (which is legit an actual boat that bands play on!) and me and my best friend met them after the show and they are so down to earth... It makes all the difference when a band is interested in YOU and not just making money... We even got hugs from them all!
The point of this story was just to say that I recently saw them again in Feb 2013 at the White Rabbit and the Thekla. Yes I went to see them back to back, I love them that much. I got lots of hugs from Steven, the leas singer who I am pretty much in love with and in awe of him. It was the best weekend of my life and since then I have been feeling really down because I've had to come back to reality which sucks big time.
Music really can save lives. And once in a while a melody or a riff or a song or a band or one person really can make all the difference. If you're struggling with depression or life or family or anything at all. Hang in there because I have no doubt in my mind something or someone will come along and change your life for the better.
It happened for me and it can happen for you too.

Also I might just add. My second favourite band in existence, 30 Seconds to Mars just released a new song, Up in the Air and it rocks my socks off! I have been acting like a loony pants since the first time I heard it yesterday :D

Now I'm just hoping this will post from my phone with hardly any signal since I've been tapping away on my phone for nearly half an hour xxx

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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You Found Me (2/?)
loclaire

So here's part two, I don't know how long it will take for me to post the next part, as this is all I have written for right now, enjoy.



After a couple weeks, of what both of them would describe as pure Heaven, Jensen decided it was time to be honest with his family, he was so close with them that the thought of them not knowing who he really is, scratched at his conscience.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Misha had taken Jensen to the airport for his flight home to Texas, and just wanted to give Jen as much moral support as he could.

“I really want you to Mish, I really do, but I just… My dad… I really don’t know how he will react. Or rather I do, that’s why it’s better if you stay here, he tends to express his anger with his fists, and if you got hurt because of him, I couldn’t bare it.”
“Just be careful Jen, you know I couldn’t bare it if you got hurt either.”
Jensen’s flight was finally called to board, Misha kissed him goodbye, and if they got some stares from other passengers for making out in the middle of the airport, well they neither cared nor noticed.

Jensen arrived in Texas later that day, and drove a rental down to his parents ranch. He stood outside the front door, took a deep breath and braced himself for what was about to come. His Mama was the one to answer the door.
“Jenny, honey, I’m so happy you’re here! It was such a lovely to surprise to hear you were coming home again so soon.” Jensen’s Mom was always so bright and happy, especially when her son came home unexpectedly.
“Hey Mama, It’s good to see you too.” He pulled his Mom in for a big hug, and let too all to quickly for him Mom’s liking.
“Is Dad around? I kind of need to talk to you both about something… Mac too if she’s here?”
“Sure honey, come inside first and I’ll make you a sandwich, you must be starving after your flight.” Jensen’s Mom always made sure that he was well fed; no one would ever go hungry in the Ackles’ house.
After putting his bag in his old bedroom, and eating the sandwich his Mom made him, Jensen sat down in the living room with his Mom, Dad and sister Mackenzie.
“Before I say what I’m here to say, I just want you all to know, that I am still the same person as I have always been, just happier, and more aware of the real me, and not just the me people expect….”
“What is this about Son, you know I don’t like surprises.” Jensen’s Dad was always the straight to the point kind of guy, he didn’t care much for the build up.
“I’m getting there Dad, I just feel I should explain first, so you can understand more. As Mama already knows, I have been going through some things lately where I have been unsure of myself and how to be me anymore. Well I have resolved that, I met someone, I actually met them a few years ago, but I recently realised that I was in love with this person, and we discussed my feelings, and it turned out that they felt the same way about me. I feel like my life has done a complete 180, I’m so much happier and I feel a lot more like my real self.”
“You came all the way to Texas to tell us you have a girlfriend?” Mackenzie was always one to poke fun at her brother, but she could tell this wasn’t the end of what Jensen came to say.
“No, that’s not all, I came to tell you, that… well… before I say this, I need you to know I never intended for this happen, but at the same time I am in no way ashamed of it, and I most definitely don’t wish that I could change what happened to me. The person that I am in love with, that is in love with me, and whom I am in a very happy relationship with… well…. It isn’t a girl… it’s actually a guy… Misha to be specific…”
“No son of mine will have a relationship with a man, he has corrupted your head, what has he done to you, I didn’t raise no fag!”
“He didn’t corrupt me Dad! I LOVE HIM! I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HIM, I told him I was in love with him before I even knew he felt the same way about me.”
“If you know what’s good for you, you will end this nonsense, you bring shame to our family, do you want to shame your Father? Your Mother? Your poor Mother, imagine all the talk behind our backs…”
“I DON’T LIVE MY LIFE TO PLEASE YOU DAD!!!! I Didn’t come here for your acceptance or your approval, I came here to be a good Son, and tell you before you found out from someone else. If you think I really give a shit what you think about it, you are sadly mistaken.”
“You, boy, get out of my house. No Son if mine uses that sort of language in front of his Mother.” Jensen’s Dad then took a swing at him, Jensen expected him to get his fists out, it’s how his Dad dealt with everything that he didn’t like or understand.
“I am NOT your Son. You can shove it Dad, I hate you, congratulations, you got what you wanted, I’m out of your life for good now. I hope you’re happy, because I sure am, I don’t have to see your face anymore.”

Leaving the house, Jensen could sense that someone was following him, but he couldn’t look back now, he didn’t want to give his Dad the satisfaction of feeling that Jensen didn’t want to leave. Which was true, he really didn’t want to leave, sure he had no problem leaving his Father, but not his Mother, or his baby Sister.
When he got to the rental he saw two things, his Mother screaming at his Dad inside the house, and Mac standing by the car, with tears in her eyes.
“Please, Jenny, don’t go, don’t listen to Dad he’s a pig we all know that. I’m so happy for you, Jen, I always thought there was something there, with you and Misha, but I didn’t want to freak you out by mentioning it. I have never seen you so happy, Jen, I could tell the moment I saw you, you have a light about you, a sparkle in your eye that wasn’t there before. I am so glad you have found someone that makes you feel that way.”
“Thanks Sis, that really means a lot, you have no idea. But I can’t stay here, you know as much as I do, he will never accept me, accept who I am now, I have to leave. I love you Mac, I’ll see you soon, I promise.”
“Mkay, Jenny, I love you too, have a safe trip.”

When Jensen arrived back at the apartment, Misha had his head stuck in a book, and barely noticed the door open and close.
“Mish, darlin, I’m home.”
“Jen! God, I missed you, but why are you back so soon? I thought you were staying with your family for the weekend.”
“I was right about my Dad, I couldn’t stay there with him anymore, and I missed you, I wanted to come home to you.” Misha just frowned, he had an idea Jensen’s Father would be a problem but he had no idea it would be so bad that Jen would cut his trip short. Jensen tried to spend as much time with his Mama as he could. That’s when he noticed Jensen still had his sunglasses on, Jen never kept them on inside.
“Jen? What happened?”
“Whatdya mean?”
“Your face Jen, come on don’t treat me like an idiot, what happened to your face?”
“It’s nothing Mish, I’m fine, I promise, just my Dad, talking with his fists.” Misha knew he would never get anywhere; Jensen could be so stubborn sometimes, so instead of fussing over it, he walked over to Jensen, took off his sunglasses and placed light kisses all over the bruise.

The next morning, Misha was in the kitchen making breakfast when Jensen awoke. Jensen just stood in the door way admiring the view for a few moments, before he strode into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around his boyfriends waist and kissed his cheek.
“Morning gorgeous.”
“Jen,” Misha grinned, he always loved the way Jensen looked in the mornings, no more than half awake, bed hair, and those pants that hung that way on his hips. “Good morning sleepy head, there’s coffee in the pot, and I’m making you eggs and toast.”
“My hero,” Jensen loved how Misha took care of him in the mornings, when he could barely function before coffee.

Jensen was just finishing off his second cup of coffee, when Misha turned to him looking serious.
“Can we talk about something important, Jen?”
“Of course darlin, what’s on your mind?”
“I was just thinking about us, about our friends and people at work, are we going to tell them, or…” Misha’s sentence trailed off when he saw the uncertain look spreading across Jen’s face. “I mean if you’re ashamed or embarrassed or whatever I’d rather know now…”
“No, no, it’s not that, of course I’m not ashamed, Mish, I love you, I wouldn’t have started this if I was ashamed. I just… I… I’m kind of scared, I know it sounds silly, and it’s not even about being judged or anything, I just need some time Mish, I want to find out how this goes while we’re alone together, I don’t want the entire world to put strain on our relationship, or dictate where this goes. I love you, Mish, so much. I just don’t want anything to come between us while we’re still figuring this out and getting used to it.”
“There’s nothing to be scared of, Jen, I will never let anything come between us, I promise you that. But I understand how you feel and where you’re coming from, and if you need a bit of time that’s okay with me.” Misha smiled, and walked over to his amazingly gorgeous boyfriend and kissed him with so much passion it made Jensen go weak at the knees.
“Damn, Mish…”
“Hmmm?”
“How did I not realise how damn sexy you are before a few months ago, I thought weak knees was just something they made up in the movies. But you got that down darlin.” Misha just smiled and hummed into the kiss.

It was a few months later, the week before they were due in Italy for JIBCon, and everything was still going amazingly well between them, or so Jensen thought.
The couple were curled up on the couch together watching some garbage on the television, making out like they were in high school. That’s when the door opened and in walks Jared, he still had his key from when he lived in that same apartment, when they realised Jay was staring at them like they were from another planet or something, Jensen practically jumped out of skin and shoved Misha away from him. After months of keeping their relationship a secret, Misha was used to this sort of behaviour from Jensen, but somehow, this time, his actions just seemed to cut through Misha’s heart, and hurt him more than usual. Of course, Jensen freaked out, stumbled over his words and denied anything was going on.
Even though Jensen had confided in Jared all those months earlier about his feelings for Misha, he still hadn’t told his best friend about their relationship, because it still freaked him out too much for anyone to know.
When he thought about it, which was more often than not these days, he supposed he was being a bit of a coward by not telling anyone, and he knew, he could see the hurt it was causing Misha, and as much as it killed him to see his boyfriend like that, he still couldn’t find the courage to out them. Not even to Jared.
Thing’s started to go downhill from that day, Misha started becoming ever so slightly distant, some nights sleeping in his own bed instead of with Jensen, which is something he hasn’t done since the night they decided to be together. Downplaying the situation whenever Jensen tried to have one of their infamous make out sessions on the couch and dismissing his hugs. When it got to the point where Misha stopped making Jensen coffee in the morning, that’s when he knew they had to have a serious discussion, little did Jensen know just HOW pissed off Misha was with him.
“I don’t think I can do this anymore, Jensen.” Jensen recoiled from the blow he felt with Misha calling him Jensen, he never called him Jensen.
“W…w…what do you mean, Mish?” Jensen wouldn’t, couldn’t let the thought enter his mind that Misha was even considering ending their relationship.
“This. Us. You may be comfortable hiding from the world, but I’m not.”
“You said you understood, Mish, you said nothing would ever come between us, that you could wait for me to be ready.”
“When I said that, I didn’t think it would be this long, Jensen, It’s been months, if you haven’t gotten used to us together by now, haven’t gotten over your fears of what the public think about us, then when will you?”
“I’m not scared of what the public thinks of us Mish. I just…”
“Then you’re ashamed of me, ashamed to be with me, ashamed of who you are.”
“You know that’s not true!”
“THEN WHAT IS IT JENSEN!? You’ve had months to get used to this, to us, it just feels like you aren’t happy, that you’re just biding your time, you don’t want to come out to everyone because you don’t want this forever.”
“Mish, of course I do, you know I do, I love you, I love you more than anything, more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. You mean everything to me Mish, everything. I can’t be without you. I won’t.”
“Then do something about it, I can’t handle this anymore Jen, if you can’t come clean to everyone about our relationship, then I don’t want to be in one anymore.”
“Please Mish, please, just give me a little more time, I promise you, I want this, I want you. Forever. I want to spend my life with you Mish, there will never be anyone else.”
“You have a week, Jen. If you can’t do it by then, I’m leaving.”
“Okay, I’ll do it Mish, I promise. I love you.”
“Love you too, Jen.”

That weekend, they flew out to Italy to attend JIBCon, and things we’re still off with the couple. Jensen’s time had just about run out, and Misha was convinced he was going to have to break his own heart and leave, because he really couldn’t do this anymore. As much as he loved Jensen, and he really did love him, more than anyone could ever know, he couldn’t live a lie.
So they shared a hotel room, but still weren’t sleeping in the same bed, Misha was distant as ever, and Jensen knew that he just had to grow some serious balls and get on with it.
But would it be enough? Enough just to go and tell Jared and the rest of their cast and crewmembers? Probably. But he wanted to show Misha he meant serious business, prove to him how much he loved him. Misha had gone down to do his panel in the stageroom, and Jensen was pacing the hotel room devising a plan.
It was about half way through Misha’s panel, when Jensen moved to the front of the line at the microphone, now up until this point there had been rumours in the press, that Misha was in a secret relationship, but no one knew who he was dating, as Jensen approached the mic, Misha’s eyes went wide with shock. What was he doing here? Weren’t they still fighting, sure not acknowledging that they were fighting, but still, fighting non-the less. If Misha thought he was surprised then, he couldn’t prepare himself for what was about to happen.
Jensen starting asking Misha about his ‘secret’ relationship, which left Misha speechless and stumbling over his words, trying to figure out what Jen was up to.
“I hear that you’re ‘secret’ relationship isn’t even with a girl, Mish, what is THAT all about?”
“Uhhh… ummm w…w….what… what are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about this, Mish, us, you know our secret..” Jensen put air quotations around secret. “..relationship, the fact that we have been dating for almost 6 months now.” Misha’s jaw dropped so far, he practically had to scoop it up off the floor.
Jensen approached the stage, and joined his boyfriend, as the stage-hand handed him a microphone and went to find a chair for him, in front of all the Supernatural fans, and screaming fangirls.
“You. Me. Our. Relationship.” Jensen said in between light kisses on his boyfriends lips. “I’m sure you’re aware of that, yes?”
“Ummm… Y..y…yes?” Jensen then turned around to the fans and confirmed what he was saying.
“This beautiful man standing beside me, isn’t in a ‘secret’ relationship anymore, I was a coward, and scared. But I’m not anymore, Misha and I are together, we’re in a relationship, and I love him very much.” The girl who was due to ask her question when Jensen cut the line approached the microphone.
“I don’t believe you, you two are always screwing with each other, how do we know you’re not doing that now?” That’s when Misha was finally able to form coherent sentences.
“Whether you believe us or not really isn’t an issue here, we are together, and we are insanely happy and in love with each other. We aren’t here to prove or disprove that fact. We are just setting the record straight, so all of you know the facts. Before the press start making up stories and picking us apart.” With that, Jensen wrapped his arms around Misha, dipped and kissed him, both of them getting so wrapped up in it, that they almost forgot they had an audience.

PART THREE: COMING SOON.


You Found Me (1/?)
loclaire

-So i've read many Destiel and Cockles fics on here, and I decided to try my own. I am not a writer, so please bear with me, and any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, I hope you enjoy. 
-The title is taken from the song, You Found Me by The Fray, i'm useless at putting a title to things so I usually just take song names that seem to fit. 
-Please bear with me for posting each part, I am writing this as I go, and at this moment in time, I think I only have enough for one, maybe two parts to the story.




When he thought back on it, Jensen always knew there was something different about Misha, the way he felt in his presence, even since the very first day they met, that washing machine in the stomach feeling, when he even so much as thought about him for a split second. But not once did it ever occur to him, that it would end up being this, that their close friendship and flirty ways would lead to what happened in the next few months…

It all started to become clear after about a year into their friendship, during the filming of season 4, Jensen and Jared became really close with Misha, and they all decided to get a place together in Vancouver, but when Jared moved out to be with Genevieve, that’s when it all started to change for Jensen.

It began with a friendly pat on the arm here, a friendly shove there, but then it started to escalate, with Misha putting his arm around Jensen’s waist when he wanted to whisper in his ear, Jensen stealing longer gazes across the room, and fixing Misha’s tie when he was doing interviews. Jensen began to realise what was happening, when Misha kissed Jensen on the back of the neck while he was being interviewed by a reporter, and Jensen’s heart just about pounded out of his chest with excitement.

Although he didn’t exactly realise that it was what it was at that moment in time, the feelings in his gut became stronger, that magnetic pull that he always felt became nearly impossible to resist, the more time they spent together the more Jensen became physically aware where Misha was when they were in the same room, he began to feel uncomfortable and edgy around Misha because of all these unrecognisable feelings that he couldn’t explain or understand.

It was about a month later, when Jared and Misha sat down together and discussed Jensen’s unusual behaviour, both of them had tried talking to him and got no where closer to finding out what stick was so far up his arse he was avoiding his best friends. So Jared, being the hard-ass take no shit from Jensen guy that he was, confronted Jensen and wouldn’t let him leave until he explained himself.

“I just don’t know what’s going on with me lately,” he finally confided in his best friend, though when he started he had no intention of divulging his true feelings for Misha. “I just feel like I can’t be myself right now, I have all these emotions swirling around in my head that I can’t make sense of, and some questionable feelings for someone close to me.”
“So all this avoiding Misha and I shit that’s been going on lately is because you didn’t want us to realise you have the hots for some chick?”
“I guess yeah.”
“So, get it off your chest man, it’s what I’m here for isn’t it? What’s so screwed up about it?”
“Okay, okay, so there’s this… person in my life, that lately I have been realising I may see as more than a friend and it’s totally screwed up, I can’t have these feelings, I just can’t, I can’t deal with this Jay, I feel like it’s completely changing who I am.”
“So just tell her how you feel, if she really is one of your closest friends, and she doesn’t feel the same way, she won’t hold it against you, or let it change your friendship, and if she does then she wasn’t worth it to begin with.”
“I wish I could Jay, I wish I could just spill my heart out, but I can’t, you don’t get it, there’s no way this person could ever possibly feel the same way about me, and there’s no way they would stick around if I told them how I feel, this is just an impossible situation that I can’t see anyway out of.”
“Dude, seriously man up and just tell her, stop being such a pussy, grow some balls and spill it. I don’t really see the problem here, why can’t you just tell her?”
“BECAUSE IT’S NOT A HER OKAY!!! IT’S A DUDE! IT’S A FUCKING DUDE OKAY!?!? NOW DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M DEALING WITH!?”
“Woahh man, so you’re… I mean I never knew that you….”
“Dude I’m not gay! I’m not even into guys, I never have been and I never thought this would happen, it’s not guys, it’s just A guy… THE guy I guess…”
“You’re in love with a guy!?!”
“What!? No! I never said I was in love.” But was he? When Jay said the L word, something inside him changed, like that’s what his heart had been trying to tell him all along, he just didn’t realise it, in love with Misha, well that was a new one, who would have ever guessed that that blue eyed heartthrob could cause so much trouble.
“I just need to go home to Texas for a little bit and get my head on straight.”
“Who’s the guy that you need to go so far away to sort your head out? You know whoever it is it can’t be that bad?”
Jensen just figured, he’s been this honest so far, and openly admitted to his best friend that he’s in love with a guy, he may as well spill it all.
“It’s Misha.”
“M…M…Misha? As in… MISHA Misha? Woah dude, you’re totally screwed.”
“Yeah you don’t need to tell me twice.”

After his heart to heart with Jared, Jensen told the guys on the show that he needed some personal time off, and went home to his Mama in Texas, hoping that some distance would shed some light on the situation. Honestly he was just hoping the feelings would disappear and he’d be able to go back to his normal life, and normal ways, be normal with his best friends, and not freak out when he was simply in the same room as Misha.

His Mama could tell something was up, and this time without going into the details of who it was, because honestly he wasn’t sure his family would deal with that as well as Jared had, he confided in his Mom. She only repeated what Jay had told him to do, to tell the person how he felt, and when he thought about it, really REALLY thought about it, the things his Mama, and Jay had both said made sense. If Misha really were his best friend like he thought he was, they would figure this out together. Sure, he knew that there wasn’t a chance in Hell that Misha would ever reciprocate, but at least they could find a way to save their friendship. Because at this point, Jensen really didn’t know if there would be much of a friendship left after the way he’d been acting around Misha.

He got back from Texas a week later, with the intention of going straight home to find Misha and just lay it all out there, but when his plane landed in Vancouver, Misha was there, waiting for him, with that look on his face that just said “You are in deep, deep shit for leaving me without so much as a goodbye.” Jensen approached Misha as slowly as he could without appearing that he was delaying his best friend shouting at him as much as possible. When he finally got to where Misha was standing, his heart beat became erratic and his stomach was churning knots within knots, how could he have possibly forgot that just being in this proximity with Misha made him feel like this? He tried to push the overwhelming feeling he had to just grab Misha and kiss him right there and then, to the back of his mind. After all, he could tell that this was going to be a serious conversation even without the added pressure of trying to express his feelings about his best friend to that very person.

They walked together in silence to the baggage claim, and then again to Misha’s badass truck, and continued to stay silent the entire journey home. As soon as they walked through the door to their house and it was closed behind them however, Misha let him have it.
“WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE!? I MEAN I KNOW YOU’RE INTO THE WHOLE ‘BEING A DICK’ THING LATELY BUT DO YOU REALLY VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP THAT LITTLE THAT YOU WOULD JUST UP AND LEAVE THE ENTIRE COUNTRY WITHOUT TELLING ME!?”
“Mish…”
“Don’t ‘Mish’ me, I’m fucking mad at you okay, you can’t just say ‘Mish’ and expect me to be okay.”
“Mish, please, just listen to me…”
“You better have a fucking good reason, Jensen.”
“I’m so sorry Mish, I really am, I just… I just needed to get out of my own head for a while, I know I’ve been a complete dick lately, and there’s no excuse good enough for it, I know that, all I can do is tell you I’m sorry, and I’m trying, I really am trying. I’m going through some sort of personal identity crisis or some shit right now, and I have no idea how to handle it. You and Jay are my best friends and sometimes you guys, you especially, know me better than I know myself, and you see right through me. I knew I couldn’t hide the fact I was going through stuff from you guys, so I just avoided you. I know now that that was the wrong thing to do, but I just couldn’t deal with it at the time. I’m sorry Mish, I really am, I’m trying to make things right here if you’ll give me the chance.”
“So, make it better. Tell me what’s going on, I know you told Jay, so why can’t you just tell me?”
“Because it’s harder to tell you, I can tell you, I just…. I’m just finding it difficult to put it into the right words so you don’t run a mile…”
“Jen, what could you possibly say to me that would make me walk out that door? You’re my best friend, I’ll be here for anything you know that right?”
“I do know that, I just think that this is completely different and for once, I have no idea how you’ll react.” At this point Misha was getting unbelievably irritated with Jensen, why wouldn’t he just tell him? What could be so bad that he couldn’t just spit it out like he used to.
“Just tell me Jensen, please, with all this build up I’m bound to think it’s worse than it actually is anyway, I’m not going anywhere, and you know I’ll just bug the shit out of you until you tell me anyway.”
“Okay, okay… Just… Try not to freak out okay, I know that that is probably an unreasonable request but just try, because as hard as this will be for you to hear, it’s a million times harder for me to tell you…I…I don’t really know where to start… I guess it was when we first met really, there was, there is, something about you Mish, something that I can’t explain, I just… feel… different when I’m around you, you’re my best friend, but not like Jared, it’s different, I feel, what I can only describe as a… a magnetic pull towards you. I know it’s insane, trust me when I say I have NEVER been into guys before, and it’s not something that even entered my thought pattern ever, but when I met you, everything just changed. I didn’t realise what was happening until Jay moved out, and we became closer. The feelings that were so jumbled and unexplainable suddenly became so much clearer, but it’s not something that I have ever felt before not even for a girl. I don’t really know what else to say besides that, I could stand here and go on for hours about everything that you make me feel, but I don’t want to make this more awkward than it already is. I just felt like, we’ve always been 100% honest with each other, and I can’t stand lying to you, or hiding things from you, and I owe you the truth, especially after I’ve been such a dick to you. I’m sorry Mish, I really am so incredibly sorry, I never meant for this to happen, and I completely understand if you don’t want me around anymore. I can pack a bag and be gone in 10 minutes…”
“Don’t you dare walk out on me again, not now Jen, not after this, you can’t just basically tell me you’re in love with me and then leave? Do you even realise how incredibly unfair you are being right now. Don’t you care what I want Jen? What if I want you here, because I do, I couldn’t face it if you left, Jen, I care about you so much, I never told you because I didn’t know how you’d take it, after all you are supposed to be straight…”
“Well so are you…”
“I guess neither of us have been completely honest with each other, but it’s about time we are, Jen, I feel the same way about you, you have no idea how hard it’s been to keep this inside, to act normal around you, to try not to kiss you every time I look into those gorgeous green eyes of yours, Jen, I…. I love you, I have for a long time now…”
“I love you too, Mish…”
“Jen… Just fucking kiss me already?”


PART TWO: http://loclaire.livejournal.com/1447.html


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